It was 2:14 a.m.
Samire was deep in a dream about being a Somali action hero called “Captain Canjeero” when Hodan shook him awake.
“Samire,” she said, clutching her belly, “it’s time.”
Samire, still half-asleep, replied,
“Time for what? Fajr prayer? Tea?”
She stared.
“Ohhhh. THE baby?!”
He jumped out of bed, put his shirt on backward, his shoes on the wrong feet, grabbed the hospital bag—and then panicked because the hospital bag was actually a sack of onions.
Phase 1: The Car Ride
They flew down the road in Samire’s cousin’s Toyota, which had more warning lights than a spaceship.
Samire tried to keep Hodan calm.
“You’re doing amazing, wallahi. Just breathe. In and out. In and out.”
“That’s YOU hyperventilating,” she snapped. “Drive!”
Samire swerved around a goat.
The goat screamed.
Samire screamed back.
Phase 2: The Hospital
At the hospital, things got very real.
Samire was holding Hodan’s hand like it was the last rope in Tug of War.
The nurse said, “Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?”
Samire froze. “Can I just… pay someone to do that?”
Then Hodan shouted:
“WAAALAHI CUT SOMETHING OR GET OUT!”
So Samire grabbed the scissors like a bomb technician and snipped with his eyes closed.
He didn’t faint.
(Okay, he almost fainted. Twice.)
Phase 3: The Birth
After hours of screaming, sweating, and praying (mostly from Samire), the moment finally came.
The doctor shouted, “Here comes the baby!”
Samire stood up.
And then…
WAAAAAH!
A baby cry filled the room.
Samire’s eyes filled with tears.
He looked at Hodan, exhausted but glowing, and said,
“He looks like me… but with hair!”
They laughed. The nurse handed Samire his newborn son.
Tiny. Warm. Loud.
“Wow,” Samire whispered. “You’re finally here. Baba’s little comedy partner.”
Phase 4: Reality Hits
Two hours later…
The baby pooped.
On Samire’s shirt.
And then peed on his other shirt.
Samire held the baby up and said,
“This is revenge for all my bad jokes, isn’t it?”
Final Scene: Back Home
Back at home, Samire stood at the window, holding his son while his mom made soup and the neighbor’s goat stared with judgment.
He whispered,
“You don’t know this yet, little guy… but you’ve already changed my whole life. And don’t worry—your mama’s the smart one. I’m just here for comic relief.”
Then the baby burped directly in Samire’s face.
He smiled.
“Welcome to the family.”
Moral of the story:
Fatherhood is messy, loud, and terrifying—but if Samire can do it, anybody can. (Just keep onions out of the hospital bag.)
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